Friday, December 10, 2010

The Obligatory Twitter Post (Special Guest Star: Jesus)


In today's faster-than-fast world, emails have been replaced by Facebook messages have been replaced by Twitter. In which you have 140 characters to say your piece. Not 140 words, 140 characters.

There is actually a fine art to writing on Twitter, at least if it's something more interesting than "I made the most yummy beef stew!" One must craft even the most mundane of statements. Since my writing tends toward the, shall we say, ornate, this has been an onerous task. But challenges are my chocolate covered cherries! (In actuality, I despise chocolate covered cherries, but 'eclairs' doesn't have the same zip.)

So, in the spirit of what every else is doing these days, here is a selection of my tweets over the past two days!

Until they make tampons out of pure spun silk, menses and elegance do not mix.

So, Lindsay Lohan is fired from playing a porn star but is considered a good bet for "DWTS"? I'm not sure which job has less class.

The news that nude photos of Christina Aguilera have been I somehow supposed to care? Aren't there enough of them already?

Wondering if I should do a #FF list of people who can't stand me? You know who you are, but you're not following me so you won't see it.


(The following are the tale of my evening with Jesus, when my chef took the day off and I was forced to fend for myself. )

Good night, lovely Twitter-followers.At least the maid will make me coffee & bring me a croissant tomorrow morning.Pray for me. #chefsdayoff

With my chef taking the day off (the swine), I managed coffee, a croissant and peach preserves brought by the maid. #chefsdayoff

#chefsdayoff For lunch, delivery from Blue Hill. (Yes, if you pay enough) Chicken with Tuscan kale and homemade pasta. Tonight...?

#chefsdayoff BAD start to the evening. Jesus showed up, wanting a cheese sandwich. I told him to make us both BLTs if he wanted them

So Jesus has a hissy fit because he doesn't want a BLT, he wants grilled cheese made with Swiss cheese and I don't have any...

I tell Jesus to go to the store if he wants Swiss cheese so much, he says, "I don't have any POCKETS, you heathen!" Le sigh...

After sulking, he agreed to make grilled cheddar and tomato sandwiches. Jesus is a pretty decent diner-style cook. Unexpected.

The sandwiches were quite good. But Jesus had gotten into the cooking wine (he is NEVER getting the key to the wine cellar)...

So he's getting drunk on cooking sherry and starts arguing w me abt. my atheism. Jesus keeps yelling at God for a miracle,...

...but does God perform one? No, unless you consider Jesus chugging an entire bottle of cooking sherry w/o gagging a miracle.

Fortunately I had coffee ice cream in the freezer (Jesus LOVES coffee ice cream). Gave him a big dish and he gave me a...

...big goofy smile. There's something about Jesus drunk, especially when he's got the crown of thorns on--I must get a picture.

In any event, he's already dozing on the divan, and it's not even 8pm. At least if he expects breakfast my chef will be back!

Don't worry, I have never slept with Jesus, nor do I intend to.He's far too promiscuous. All those "Jesus loves me" songs, n'cest pas?

Good morning, lovely Twitter-followers! As predicted, Jesus was hungover & cranky this morning. Serves him right, chugging cooking sherry.

#AnnoyingJesus Thank God my chef is back, who served him coddled eggs and a Bloody Mary. Jesus has left my building. Thank goodness.

And there you have a selection of my tweets. Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I promise, Jesus rarely shows up. I really should contact my dear dead friend Lana Turner. It's been far too long.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

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