Thursday, February 04, 2010

The 2010 Grammy Awards - My Worst Dressed


There was simply so much to choose from at the 2010 Grammy Awards, even allowing for the greater freedom and creativity in dress that such an occasion affords. Here, in no particular order, are my Worst Dressed.

I cannot decide which is less flattering, the front or the back of Rihanna's Elie Saab dress. Not only does the top look like a feather pillowcase exploded in the singer's vicinity, but the below-the-waist draping says, "Could my hips and butt look any larger? And my head look any tinier? I don't think so." There was no photo of the draping in the back, but these photos should suffice:

If that were not bad enough, Rihanna wore this, er, explosion of color at another point in the evening. Somehow those huge puffs remind me of children playing with colored tissue paper in random manner:

Katy Perry claimed she was channeling Betty Page that evening, but Betty would have second thoughts about wearing this dress. This also looks like a child's do-it-yourself project, with stuck-on glitter flowers on it. Also, one gets tired of women wearing Ms. Page's signature hairdo. There must be some other iconic pin-up out there we simply haven't gotten to yet!

And later on, Ms. Perry put her breast foot forward with this mismatched gown:

What can one say about Ke$ha? Well, I can say I have no idea who she is, but she looks more stoned than Amy Winehouse. And that, my dears, is an accomplishment! She probably bought her dress at Ricky's costume department, and the gold makeup does not a hangover hide.

Even though I adored Lady Gaga's red carpet look, I thought at first this was Marilyn Manson's big comeback. Not only that, this is the first time I've seen three camel toes.

Not to be mean spirited, but Jennifer Lopez's strange Versace dress looks like she collided with cheap white plastic fencing at Home Depot while wearing a metallic mini:

(Oh, dear, now I sound like that Little Blond Man in the black sequined disco jacket and if he had any business telling someone else how to dress. But he is slightly more tasteful than the Bride of Riverstein.)

Now, I have mixed feelings about criticizing this woman who apparently calls herself Snooki. On the one hand, she is on one of the worst shows on television, Jersey Shore. I wanted to gouge my eyes out after fifteen minutes. Thank God I summer in the Hamptons.

On the other hand, this cheap little dress does celebrate her curves, even with those strange booties. But, cheapness overcomes overweaning self-love. Sorry, Snooki.

Beyonce wore her usual silhouette, this time awkwardly constructed, with boxy shoulders and in an unflattering color.

Ashanti achieved the feat of wearing two dresses at once.

As did Kristine Elazaj.

And Celine (gack) Dion proves that yes, it is possible to have a dress made almost entirely of eye crud.

Britney Spears...ah, poor Britney. Bad enough the press won't leave her alone, but she didn't have time to dress. So she threw a large piece of mosquito netting over a black bathing suit. Hope it wasn't too awkward when she had to go to the ladies room.

Inspired, Ciara decided to wear a more upscale version of this look, with every single piece of black trim they carry at Project Runway's Mood Fabrics:

There to shill her latest rom-com was Kristen Bell, who was nearly strangled by her dress whenever she stumbled.

Zombie Nicole Kidman was there, in black as befits the undead. However, it wasn't bad enough to get her on either list. She arrived with husband Keith Urban, who looked terrified that his bride would try to eat his brains. He tried to steer Nicole toward Ryan Seacrest, but Mr. Seacrest saw it coming and was wearing a wreath of garlic.

Finally, I do not know who this Janet Jackson lookalike is, but she had to make the list in this dress that looks like a crumpled gray paper bag.

Feel free to make comments, but do remember that I am always right.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog


Elle said...

The Janet Jackson lookalike is Ashanti, I think

wyogems said...

omg I knew I hated j lo's dress but you have nailed it with the "home depot plastic fence" analogy...rotfl

Lady ga ga blush

I had not seen that second dress of Rihanna's...WOW...Thank you for that I think!

Tessa said...

They all look like Surrealist art, and not in a good way. Imagine being able to wear any gown in the world...having the money and the occasion to wear the most glamorous, most sensational dress you can think of...and then choosing these unfortunate craft projects. They can't all be drug addicts, can they?

Hoardmeister said...

Thank you all. Some of these dresses make me want to go blind. But it's my job to out the ugliness.