Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Golden Globes 2010: MY Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

Sorry this entry is late. But I've been out of my mind with preparations for New York Fashion Week.

However, I was absolutely driven to finish by having the misfortune of happening across a program on E! hosted by the Bride of Riverstein, Bobblehead Girl, Reality Show Slut and Strange Little Blonde Man. Perhaps that may seem harsh, but the way they tore into any unfortunate celebrity who did not wear what they thought proper was simply--words fail one. (You will find most of them on my Dullest Dressed List.) Particularly because Bobblehead Girl was wearing a garish gold minidress with some sort of shoulder-thing that threatened to lop off her head if she turned sideways. As for what the Bride of Riverstein was wearing: silence.

Now, on to your faithful correspondent's Worst Dressed List.

BREAST FOOT FORWARD
First, there is nothing inherently wrong with this dull blue gown, but the buckling at the waist and the dire lack of a foundation garment makes it apparent a wardrobe malfunction is about to happen to Alicja Bachelda.



Speaking of lack of foundation garments, Heidi Klum, of all people, needs a brassiere. Since she so often scolds Project Runway contestants for not putting bras on their models, it seems strange that she decided to go without. Otherwise, it's a perfectly nice dress by Roberto Cavalli.



And again speaking of lack of foundations, why did Halle Berry forget to put a gown on over her slip?



Not to be outdone, Mariah Carey, who looked so lovely at the People's Choice Awards, decided to be the punchline of one million "Golden Globes" jokes with this, er, little number, accessoried by an oiled spray-on tan:



Speaking of bosom overkill, Annalynne McCord's dress not only looks like it is feeling her up, one wouldn't be surprised if those things on the top vibrated when you pressed the right button. (Something to do when the GG's get slow...a self-pleasuring dress.)



"Oh my God, this feels so good."
Photo courtesy of Just Jared


(One supposes one should be grateful that there were female celebrities with breasts there, in any case.)

WHEN THE DRESS WEARS YOU


Kate Hudson decided to wear a bridal gown with very sharp edges. There are rumors she cut off a man's hand while making her way down the red carpet. For some reason when I look at this dress, I think "chassis." And not in a good way.



On the other scale was the widow Jones, who is in deep mourning in Lanvin, although I am not sure for what.



Chloe Sevigny looks as though she was about to be eaten alive by her rose colored Valentino gown, or like a little girl poking her head through a ladies' dress rack. Take your pick. I'm inclined to the first choice, if only for the image of screams after the ceremony and the dress lying flat on the ground, Chloe nowhere to be seen.


"I'm not sure, but I think this thing is moving."

FOLIE AUX DRESS

Julia Roberts was a stand-out for all the wrong reasons. She made many Worst Dressed lists by seeming as if she had just run out of the house without changing her clothes. I hate to be one of the pack, but sometimes...

Elizabeth Moss usually looks lovely at award events, so what is one to make of this washed out, ill-fitting dress? And why won't she pull up her straps?

This dress was widely admired, but watching Toni Collette go to the stage to accept her Best Actress award, it seemed to weigh more than she did, and drags down her beautiful (if thin) figure with its heft.

Anna Paquin's choice was not only garish (particularly up close), but almost made it into the Breast Foot Forward category.

Cameron Diaz has two strikes against her: a strangley immobile, mask-like face and a dress that, when she was onstage, made me think, "cowl cleavage."

Last but hardly least, zombie Nicole Kidman was momentarily enticed from looking for brains to eat for a photo op. Her Nina Ricci dress overwhelms her sticklike figure, as would anything else.

"Me want brains. Paparazzi...so many tasty brains..."

There were any number of pretty, perfectly satisfactory dresses worn by Diane Kruger, Olivia Wilde, and others, but I think I have written enough about the Golden Globes for now. Feel free to comment, but I would prefer if you did not do so anonymously. Have the courage of your convictions. And remember, I am always right.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog


1 comment:

TheDeeView said...

MadFashionista - I loved every comment. The pics were great and you made me laugh. Let's see, I liked the Kate Hudson dress - that friggin' body looked amazing in it. Sorry about the man's hand tho. Wasn't it great the way she didn't get any of that spurting blood on her dress. But I digress.

I saw ur tweet to Christian Sariano (I may have mispelled - sorry) about Christina Hendricks. I think she is so insanely sexy and hubba hubba, but I thought that dress did nothing for her luscious figure, just made her look, well, dare I say it? Plump. And she's not!!! A nice vibrant, form fitting dress in the future???