Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Fashion Show, Episode Two: Come Back, Heidi Klum, All Is Forgiven!


So, the second episode of The Fashion Show has been inflicted on the American public. Your faithful correspondent was not impressed. At least they have toned down “Evil Isaac” to “Nasty Isaac.”

After being told last week by “Evil Isaac” that she had no business being in fashion, a weeping Kristin quit the show. So now we won’t have to look at that annoying hair anymore.

As before, Kelly Rowland still has absolutely nothing of value to say during the judging. Thank God for Fern Mallis, or I couldn’t sit through this idiocy. And the ending catchphrase from NI: “We’re not buying it. Bye, darling.” Somehow one doubts that will be on everyone’s lips. With Project Runway, fans said that the designers had been "auf'd." Saying a designer has been "bye'd" lacks the same zing, don't you think?

The mini-challenges aren't worth commenting about, other than they take even more time away from the workroom. AND they have 30 second segments of the actual show? Not teasers, but segments? Thank goodness for fast forward.

And how pathetic is it that the only visible sponsor is Tresemme? When they showed the fabric store, it certainly wasn’t Mood (which your faithful correspondent has visited many times), in fact, they could not show the name on the bags! And the winner gets…

A fashion show on the runway set. In the basement of whatever building that is. Combien peuvent-ils faire de plus faible des enjeux, chers lecteurs?

I never thought I would write this, but I miss Heidi Klum.

Well, most of the time.

This past week’s challenge was to design for…Tinsley Mortimer. Ms. Mortimer is a “socialite”, and she and her husband Topper (in this picture she told him to look at the camera, but this is the best the poor thing could do) are from that elite group that intermarries. Rather like Appalachians, but with far more money.

This is a woman so without personality that a planned reality show about her life was scrapped earlier this year. Do you realize how dull a celebrity has to be to have a reality show about you not even make it to air? (I know this fact because I have my connections.)

“My hair is my trademark,” she claimed about her bleached tinder-dry long bob with bangs. The bangs at least obscured the ridiculous amount of eye makeup she was wearing. Each designer was given $40 to create their outfits. As the young people say, WTF?

The designers were kept in teams, which is meant to promote conflict as these various social misfits clash with each other. Merlin’s flamboyance is starting to grow on me, and I suspect the producers will keep him until he makes something so unforgiveable that it actually catches fire on the runway and burns the poor model to death. Reco looks exactly Jimmy Walker on “Good Times.” One keeps waiting for him to shout “Dy-no-MITE!” I liked his design, if not the clashing colors. (That background designing for strippers is hard to shake off.)

During the 14 hours the designers had to create their pieces, Nasty Isaac and Useless Kelly visited the workroom several times. Determined to be as unlike Tim Gunn as possible, instead of giving constructive criticism and encouragement, Nasty Isaac tears down each design. Or if he can't think of anything sufficiently vicious to say to the designer, he simply sprinkles some bad karma around. Each time the hosts leave, the designers are visibly more dispirited. WHAT is going on?

Are they going to start waterboarding the designers as we get closer to the Final Four?

Laura was determined to put red tulle on a badly designed dress, despite the efforts of her team to talk her out of it. And the back! Dear God, the back!

During the final judging, an awful lot time is taken up with of groups of people getting up, sitting down, getting up, sitting down. I was starting to nod off from boredom, so I’m not certain why. Bucky was sleeping in my lap, so he was of no help.

Suffice to say that Daniella won for a cute jumpsuit with a transparent bomber jacket, nothing special except for a floppy blue bow that was completely out of place. Ms. Mortimer, the fourth judge, would “totally wear it.”

The loser was going to be either Laura and Johnny R., whose dress not only promised to malfunction on the runway (thank goodness models barely have breasts), but was put together with safety pins. When criticized, Johnny R. and Isaac had a bitch-slapping contest. Not smart, Johnny dahling. Isaac is the host, you fool. Obvious to us, perhaps, but not to Top-Knot Guy. (Unfortunately for moi, the nickname Samurai Guy is already taken.)

Backstage, Isaac pretended to be foaming-at-the-mouth furious while Kelly pretended to restrain him. The choice was between “bad attitude and bad dress.” I’m sure after consultation with the producers, they went for bad dress. Quel mauvais. Top-Knot Guy is more telegenic, and I’m sure we can look forward to more outbursts in the future.

Or you can look forward to it. I might wait for the real thing to come along later in the season, on Lifetime.

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog


Anonymous said...

Oks, so I do totally agree on the fact that Kelly Rowland maybe the most vapid host one can possibly have. What Latoya Luckett, who has a fashion line and store in Houston, was not available? I know I feel as if a little recycling could have been done here. If they were looking for a host that knows fashion and has impeccable taste why not use Kara Saun from Project Runway? It gives you a high fashion coupled with Isaac's Kmart brand plus you get a very strict and honest opinion on fashion and not a "You'll never make it in the industry." aura as you get from Isaac.

Hoardmeister said...

Excellent comment, dahling! Thank you ever so!