Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Oscar's Worst Dressed 2009


Last night, while we were watching the Academy Awards red carpet coverage, it seemed that a swarm of skinny women in white, cream or gray dresses were wondering around. When the female announcer said "Every woman looks gorgeous," my male companion added, "And the same." Yes, it may be true that fashion inspiration is as dead as a doornail when it comes to award ceremonies (most of the actresses looked like Movie Star In A Box, in your favorite choice of colors: Natalie Portman in pink, Angelina Jolie in black, blah, blah, blah) as least these brave women dared to crash and burn.

Oscar's Worst Dressed can be broken down into categories. The first is

Night Of The Living Dead

Exemplified by fleshless cadaverous actresses, preferably with no color in their faces. Anne Hathaway, despite her talent, leads the pack for this honor, in Armani Prive:

Anne, unless your next role is a Holocaust victim, eat a croissant! I'm certain you haven't had a period in two years!

Evan Rachel Wood is a close second in Elie Saab--when will the woman get a clue and wear some COLOR?

I have no idea who this young woman is, but she fits right in, terrifyingly enough:

One shoulder--time for a glass of--oh, damn, that was last night. How does this girl have the strength to stand?

And of course, Nicole Kidman, who looks understandably peeved about the foliage sprouting around her decolletage:

To finish this category (sorry, the phrase "round out" does not fit), Melissa George:

Lesson, children: One should never wear a dress that makes one look like a pencil stuck in a toilet tissue.

Our next category is

No Taste Whatsoever

Which some actresses go in and out of at whim. My top candidate is Miley Cyrus, whose gown is virtually beyond my descriptive powers. My first thought was that she looked like she was trying to escape from a giant tropical plant trying to devour her, but really, the petal edges look more like mold. TOO MUCH DRESS!

Tilda Swinton marches to a different drummer, in this case Lanvin, right off the cliff:


Sophia Loren is a goddess...or used to be. Sophia, Sophia, what happened? Why are you wearing a too-fussy ruffled gown that is the same color as your spray-on tan and your hair?? That gown looks right out of a bad Western movie, with you playing the madame of a bordello. (In fact, back in the 1960s they often had Italian women playing parts like that in Westerns--it was an odd phase. Could it be that Sophia is feeling nostalgia for Sergio Leone?)

And it is a major mistake to stand next to the elegant Meryl Streep, in beautifully draped gray gown and tastefully bared shoulders.

The final category might as well be called


Many of them have already been shown in my previous posts, but a few got under the wire. First we have the widely-reviled Jessica Biel, who could gave escaped a great deal of grief by running some oatmeal through her hair prior to leaving the mansion. The strange cloth contraption on the front of her gown looks as though she might be carrying a spare set of breasts. Or perhaps to put some hors de'oevres in to munch on during the endless broadcast.

Is it moi, or has Beyonce been wearing the same dress to every event for the past two years? Only the colors and the textures change. Really, the photographers don't have to bother with live snaps anymore. You could take a photo of Beyonce and run it through Photoshop, changing the colors to whatever occasion she shows up for.
Unlike others, your faithful correspondent does not believe this is a bad dress. It's just the same dress.

Oh, well, at least it wasn't white.

While there is something to be said for a woman her age being able to wear this dress at all, and at least she didn't look insane for a change, Sharon Stone might want wanted to think twice before baring everything:
Lovely nipples, Sharon, but one could have done without knowing exactly what they look like. Was the sex shop out of pasties?

That is it for now. Stay tuned for my Best Dressed!

Ciao, Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog


Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your taste of fashion. Miley looked absolutely dreadful, while Beyonce looked like a miniature asian barbie doll you hang on your Christmas Tree.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all your assessments except for Anne Hathaway, whose dress flowed like liquid silver. With her dramatic features and dark hair, she can carry off the white fishy look.

Hoardmeister said...

Dahling, there is a difference between wearing a beautiful dress (which it certainly was) and looking like the dress weighs that much more than you do. And if by fishy you mean "dead fish," I completely agree. In terms of terms of dramatic features and dark hair, imagine a young Liz Taylor in that same dress and you will understand what I mean!