Friday, July 18, 2008

Project Runway's Season Five Train Wreck, er, Premiere


Forgive me for taking so long for writing about the season premiere of “Project Runway.” The viewing party took more recovery time than one expected!

One’s first thought as the purported designers all filed into the bedrooms at the beginning was, “Who are these people, and why do I get the distinct impression most of them smell bad?”

No wonder Tim and Heidi met them outdoors on the roof. One hopes the hosts were upwind. And does anyone have news of the person killed by Tim's champagne cork?

I am not certain of who I find the most annoying of the hellish trio of Suede, Blayne, and Stella. A 37-year-old man that calls himself Suede deserves to be beaten in an alley with a 2 by 4, but that is just my humble opinion, as they say online. And as I mentioned earlier, his penchant for talking about himself in the third person is something that should only be reserved for pretentious poseurs like Madonna (oh, my apologies, she is his principal influence. What a surprise.). One of my guests yelled at the screen, “Somebody grab that bastard’s blue tuft and yank it out by the roots!”

Blayne has the double-whammy of having atrocious taste and being extremely hard to look at in close-up. Particularly without his cap-thing. I wanted to kiss Tim Gunn for causing almost all of the designers urinate on themselves by denouncing them for using tablecloths. It’s so good to have him back, isn’t it? "De-ziners, gather round! You suck already and it's only the first challenge! How am I supposed to keep my sanity and world famous savoir-faire around you people?"

In any event, Blayne's “girlicious” design was “girl-trocious”. The poor model looked like she was wearing old Kotex pads stitched to her front and back, or as if she had a terrible yeast infection that had exploded over the front of that mesh bathing suit. Yeeeecccch.

As for Stella, what gutter did the producers pull her out of? 42 year olds who dress and sound like sullen tweens are not your faithful correspondent’s favorite kind of people. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll have a heroin overdose before the end of the series. (Imagine the problems the producers would have, keeping THAT news off the Internet!) That hideous dress, so devoid of inspiration—did anyone else notice that she did not start putting anything together until they had roughly four hours left? What was she doing in the meantime, besides whining?

Perhaps she was busy in the loo shooting up.

Most of the designs got the thumbs-down from my guests, and I was hard-pressed to remember who had designed what, even with a scorecard. There are so MANY designers at the start! Heidi Klum was so eager to start ripping out the designer's jugulars on the runway she virtually needed a drool cup. Nina Garcia was, as usual, a cardboard cut-out in a chair, Michael Kors has single-handedly bought out all of the Cover Girl Dark Matte Makeup in every Duane Reade in New York, but Austin was delightful. So girlish, so soignee', so playing to the camera!

My personal favorites were by Daniel and Korto. Although the poor boy needed a Xanax, the plastic cup dress actually looked wearable, as long as you didn't venture out into the summer heat:

As for Korto, her dress showed taste, style, and originality, even if she did use a tablecloth:

Naturally, I particularly liked that her bio on the official Project Runway site stated that she designs for "real, full-figured women." It will be interesting seeing her tackle one challenge on PR: dressing those stick figures they are given for models!

The winner, Kelli, made an interesting, creative dress. Others have objected to the coffee filter bra, but I thought it was a smart use of limited materials. At least she did not use a tablecloth.


My favorite "Project Runway" designer ever, CHRIS MARCH, is blogging about this season as only he can! It is truly hilarious, dahlings, and I have a link to it on the right. Your viewing experience isn't complete until you've read his blog (after you read mine, of course).

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

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