Wednesday, July 30, 2008
FIRST DESIGNER: "Oh My Sweet JESUS, I cannot reproduce that thing! It looks like a uterus badly wrapped in gold ribbon. " (PAUSE) "I don't? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you..."
SECOND DESIGNER:"Pleeeeeeze don't make me, pleeeeze. Mother of mercy, it looks like some alien space creature puked up blood and an old prom dress! Pleeeeze, I promise to do anything if you won't make me do this. I'll make you double espressos every morning. I'll suck you silly if you let me off the hook this time. What? Oh, God bless you, I can sleep tonight."
THIRD DESIGNER: (Realizing it is on him): '"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
As camera irises up and out over his screaming figure.
Voiceover in black:
"Suede is happy now. Suede is very, very happy. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Joe is clearly as amazed as moi at Suede’s win.
Here the model is thinking, "I don't remember buying entrails at Mood."
I think the headline sums up my feelings. I was simply stunned, as were my viewing companions. Our heads whipped around as we stared at each other in shock.
This horrendous thing, the result of the challenge (not only dressing your model as your client, but having the model pick out the fabric, and it had to be "eco-friendly," God help us all), won!
It is at those moments one hears Patou screaming in the night.
Your faithful correspondent thinks that Terri was robbed. Not even in the top three! And her creation was barely seen on television in the runway show.
Stella, meanwhile, faced with the challenge of not working with her beloved “leatha,” whined, whined, whined, in her cartoonish Fran Drescher accent. Her champagne satin dress was dull and not worthy of being in the top three. However, Stella’s work was far superior to what one of the contestants called “Team Brown Ugly Fabric.” Wesley's, uh, creation:
No wonder Wesley was auf'ed, although I would have preferred to see the last of Leanne, the self-described "silent fashion assassin." A real assassin does not break under pressure, little girl.
My guests were wondering, why aren't the designers listening to Tim the way they did in previous seasons? One guest hypothesized that now that three of the judges are extremely known quantities, the designers are working more to please Heidi, Nina and Michael The Overly Made Up than they are trying to express their creativity.
Frau Heidi Klum was in full dominatrix mode, in a black bustier and miniskirt, the usual sadistic glint in her eye. Guest judge Natalie Portman had a terrified, deer in the headlights look in her eyes when she first came out. And she gamely tried to dodge being poked in the eye by Heidi's bustier as the German witch towered over her.
Natalie did seem genuinely sad at the outcome, the one spot of human emotion amongst the judges. Some have said it was because of Wesley being auf'ed, but I think she realized what a mistake she had made in inflicting Suede's dress on the great American public.
One pities the poor Bluefly designer who has to recreate it for consumer consumption! One hears his/her screams joining Patou's in the night.
More later,dahlings -
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Monday, July 21, 2008
Being the fashion and style arbiter that I am, I am constantly asked to "blog" about events, people, books, and websites. For some it is a pleasure to oblige. For others, one wonders if they have read this blog in any depth. Have I ever been anything but plus-size positive? No. Have I ever pretended to be a naive young jeune femme? No.
So imagine my extreme displeasure when I was asked to "blog" about a new vintage clothes selling website, which shall remain nameless. I went to the "About Us" page. And I found out far too much. An excerpt:
Expect to see vintage fashion that is wearable and yet truly amazing. No freak vintage here. We love the 70's –although we are not old enough to really remember them.
It is always a pleasure to see beautiful things sold by people with no sense of history whatsoever. Your faithful correspondent sells clothes from the 1950s, but I do not make it a selling point that I was not born yet. At least as far as I know (cf one of my earlier entries...do a search for "Mama").
We live by some simple image rules:
If you are larger than a size 2, black is your friend. Black can be your enemy if it is your entire wardrobe.
The first part of that statement alone should get them banned from selling clothing to any woman, ever, anywhere.
Do they think those Hollywood actresses with wasting diseases look good?
Unique vintage does not mean freak vintage. Some things are just better off left in the past. The secret with wearing vintage is that no one should be able to tell it is vintage. If it screams vintage then it is freak vintage.
Oh, but if it screams "Better quality than the current cheap H & M knockoff!" it is socially acceptable?
Mon dieu! I never thought I would see the day when vintage clothing was used to suppress originality and one's personal sense of style, rather than enhance it.
Stay true to yourself, but try something new once a season. I think I look best as a blonde, but I change the shade every season. This spring I really branched out and added bangs. XXX and I think you do either bangs or botox once you are in your mid-thirties.
Of course, one might actually look like a human being if one let those terrible wrinkles and folds get a hold of you. Your faithful correspondent is fortunate enough to have a beautifully creamy complexion, but even so I have no desire to have needles stuck in my face, neck and other places to hide the fact that I have lived.
This, mon cher readers, is the website equivalent to one of those shallow little boutiques where the rail-thin saleswomen fold their arms when a potential customer enters and look in the other direction. It is a dark day when a website can make women fell bad about themselves without the need for face-to-face contact.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Friday, July 18, 2008
Forgive me for taking so long for writing about the season premiere of “Project Runway.” The viewing party took more recovery time than one expected!
One’s first thought as the purported designers all filed into the bedrooms at the beginning was, “Who are these people, and why do I get the distinct impression most of them smell bad?”
No wonder Tim and Heidi met them outdoors on the roof. One hopes the hosts were upwind. And does anyone have news of the person killed by Tim's champagne cork?
I am not certain of who I find the most annoying of the hellish trio of Suede, Blayne, and Stella. A 37-year-old man that calls himself Suede deserves to be beaten in an alley with a 2 by 4, but that is just my humble opinion, as they say online. And as I mentioned earlier, his penchant for talking about himself in the third person is something that should only be reserved for pretentious poseurs like Madonna (oh, my apologies, she is his principal influence. What a surprise.). One of my guests yelled at the screen, “Somebody grab that bastard’s blue tuft and yank it out by the roots!”
Blayne has the double-whammy of having atrocious taste and being extremely hard to look at in close-up. Particularly without his cap-thing. I wanted to kiss Tim Gunn for causing almost all of the designers urinate on themselves by denouncing them for using tablecloths. It’s so good to have him back, isn’t it? "De-ziners, gather round! You suck already and it's only the first challenge! How am I supposed to keep my sanity and world famous savoir-faire around you people?"
In any event, Blayne's “girlicious” design was “girl-trocious”. The poor model looked like she was wearing old Kotex pads stitched to her front and back, or as if she had a terrible yeast infection that had exploded over the front of that mesh bathing suit. Yeeeecccch.
As for Stella, what gutter did the producers pull her out of? 42 year olds who dress and sound like sullen tweens are not your faithful correspondent’s favorite kind of people. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll have a heroin overdose before the end of the series. (Imagine the problems the producers would have, keeping THAT news off the Internet!) That hideous dress, so devoid of inspiration—did anyone else notice that she did not start putting anything together until they had roughly four hours left? What was she doing in the meantime, besides whining?
Perhaps she was busy in the loo shooting up.
Most of the designs got the thumbs-down from my guests, and I was hard-pressed to remember who had designed what, even with a scorecard. There are so MANY designers at the start! Heidi Klum was so eager to start ripping out the designer's jugulars on the runway she virtually needed a drool cup. Nina Garcia was, as usual, a cardboard cut-out in a chair, Michael Kors has single-handedly bought out all of the Cover Girl Dark Matte Makeup in every Duane Reade in New York, but Austin was delightful. So girlish, so soignee', so playing to the camera!
My personal favorites were by Daniel and Korto. Although the poor boy needed a Xanax, the plastic cup dress actually looked wearable, as long as you didn't venture out into the summer heat:
As for Korto, her dress showed taste, style, and originality, even if she did use a tablecloth:
Naturally, I particularly liked that her bio on the official Project Runway site stated that she designs for "real, full-figured women." It will be interesting seeing her tackle one challenge on PR: dressing those stick figures they are given for models!
The winner, Kelli, made an interesting, creative dress. Others have objected to the coffee filter bra, but I thought it was a smart use of limited materials. At least she did not use a tablecloth.
STOP THE PRESSES! A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!
My favorite "Project Runway" designer ever, CHRIS MARCH, is blogging about this season as only he can! It is truly hilarious, dahlings, and I have a link to it on the right. Your viewing experience isn't complete until you've read his blog (after you read mine, of course).
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Is it just moi, or did Tim Gunn choke on the word "diverse" when he was greeting the designers on the rooftop? At least now one understands why we weren't allowed to see them in the show promos. That annoying Suede had better stop talking about Suede in the third person. I was sorry for the Asian gentleman who got the bump (I'm slightly tired and cannot remember his name...Ken...Bob...Jeffrey? Oh, Jerry.). Yes, his design did look like a serial killer, but that's actually an original thought. When was the last time you saw a slasher-movie themed runway show? (Now, now, no jokes about Christian Lacroix. The man is seriously depressed.)
And Heidi's new look for the show "bumpers" (those little in and out of the segment pieces where they ask you to text or something equally moronic) makes her look like an anorexic Pamela Anderson. And those ankle boots! Mon dieu!
More tomorrow, dahlings. I must attend to my viewing party guests.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
For some reason, there have not been any promos on television for the new season of "Project Runway," only clips from previous seasons. It begins tonight, and I for one am simply dying of curiousity. What sort of designers have they dragged in? Street people? Blind people? A designer for Wal-Mart?
We can guarantee that Michael Kors will be wearing far too much makeup, and Heidi Klum has still not reclaimed her soul from the Devil.
Your faithful correspondent shall spend the afternoon on her deck, reading a most interesting article in The Independent about East Hampton's crumbling infrastructure. Thank God I never have to use any of it.
Later, dahlings -
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Monday, July 14, 2008
I was sent this media statement this morning. I was so startled I dropped my cappucino. One believes it originates from Ebay Australia, although I will check to make certain I am not passing along misinformation. This could set a precedent, dahlings, so do try to plow through it!
Media Statement – 5.00pm 13th July, 2008
Ebay Members to Seek Recourse Through the Courts
Early last week a well co-ordinated group of ebay members was instrumental in facilitating large numbers of their peers, nationally, to write to their local Ministers, Senators, The Banking Ombudsman and to ASIC and other relevant organisations to register complaints over the aggressive manner in which ebay continues to promote PayPal as its preferred payment method.
The complaints are well documented and numerous, and ranged from : ebay’s misrepresentation, suppression of other payment methods, deletion of sellers’ listings without cause, refusal to allow sellers to pass on PayPal charges and the issuing of misleading statements to further the illusion that PayPal is more secure than other established and proven payment methods.
Other complaints included PayPal’s freezing of member’s accounts, the inequity of the PayPal User Agreement and PayPal’s refusal to sign the EFT Code of Conduct - therein denying ebay members the same protection which banks and other financial institutions provide to their customers. Later in the week the group again led their peers to write en-masse, but on this occasion to their respective banks, to air concerns over ebay’s public statements that PayPal is the safest product in the EFT marketplace, implying that all other EFT transactions – and in particular Direct Deposit – are unsafe by comparison. On the basis that the ACCC concluded in its draft Notice : "The evidence available does not support the view that PayPal is the most secure method of payment or offers the best service for all transactions", ebay members sought reassurance from their banks that ebay’s assertions are incorrect and that Direct Deposit is a safe transaction method. This week the group will launch a further series of initiatives.
Mr Tony Green, the group’s spokesman on legal matters, announced today that “… as ebay’s response to member’s legitimate concerns is woefully inadequate it is now time to commence our next offensive which will be to seek remedies through the courts”. Mr Green went on to say ”Ebay’s recalcitrant behaviour has pushed us to the point that we must now use the legal system to bring ebay into line with decent trading practices.”Mr Green said, “In a conference last night the group decided unanimously that it would use legal due process to stop ebay from destroying its own site and, in the process of this, destroying the livelihoods of hundreds of thousands of loyal ebay members”. He added, “We are ebay’s customers and to date they have refused to listen to us. Ebay has left us no alternative than to appeal to the courts to right the wrongs that ebay has forced upon us.”In anticipation of this offensive the group has had a team of researchers looking at legal precedents, similar legal actions and the various legal alternatives available to it.“We discussed several options available to us in prosecuting these actions,” said Mr Green “… and the possibility of a major legal firm doing the work on a no win no fee contingency basis is being examined.”
“The principles at issue here are of vital importance to the largest consumer group in Australia – 5 million people according to ebay’s own figures – only a few of these are commercially scaled businesses, most are mums and dads striving for a modest supplement to the household income, and these people do not have the financial resources to pursue fair and just treatment at the hands of ebay”, said Mr Green. “It appears that political leaders and regulators have yet to fully comprehend the significance of the issues and have not yet commenced the required corrective actions, and thus the group has stepped up its activity to rally ebay members together and to take ebay on as one. Ultimately, ebay will be made to comply with all of the laws of our country.”
Contact has been made with a University Law School as the group are exploring the possibility of engaging law students – ironically, many of them also disaffected ebay members – to research this area and begin cataloguing the huge volume of accumulated evidence assembled by ebay members. Further, there are a growing number of other ebay members offering to contribute to a fighting fund to pay for the planned actions.
“Ebay members are delighted to learn of Paymate Pty Ltd’s announcement on 11th July of it having lodged a formal complaint to the ACCC concerning ebay’s alleged breaches of s47 and s52 of the Trade Practices Act 1974,” said Mr Green, ” … and our group will now examine the merits of approaching Paymate with a view to the pooling of evidence and conducting a joint legal offensive against ebay.” “Our research to date is moving us on from the Trade Practices, and other Acts, competition sections to those sections dealing with unconscionable conduct, and breach of contract “, said Mr Green.“We need to do something dramatic, and quickly, to protect ebay members – mums, dads and businesses – from being destroyed by a company that can see no further than its own profit figure. If the anger of its loyal customers means nothing to ebay we intend to look to the courts to uphold Australian Law and to give us respite from the excesses of ebay”, said Mr Green.“Ebay believes that ebay members are isolated from each other, largely ignorant of ebay’s actions with regard to PayPal and are therefore ineffectual in complaining about or opposing ebay’s deplorable practices. For the average ebayer being channelled into paying by PayPal may seem to be a risk free and temporary thing rather than a calculated deception by ebay”, Mr Green said. ”Most ebayers are unsure how and where they should complain, and ebay are counting on this to push its policies through. We intend to expose this tactic to all ebay members.”
“The discussion boards on ebay are a good indicator of the level of anger at ebay’s new policies. There is no flocking to the boards by people who support the new policies. To the contrary they are full of horror stories and tales of anger and frustration from people who are violently opposed to them”, said Mr Green.“Between them the co-ordinators of the group have a data base of over one hundred thousand email addresses of ebay members who have purchased from us, and through other supporting sellers access to many hundreds of thousands more. If necessary we will contact every one of them to alert them to the full consequences of the disastrous policies that ebay have introduced. We will do the job that ebay is morally obliged but too frightened to do – to keep ebay members informed,” said Mr Green.
The group will conference again this evening to make decisions on its first legal offensive against ebay and to decide on a timetable.
Meanwhile, activity on the ebay site from both buyers and sellers has taken a nosedive, member’s anger and frustration continues unabated, and the level of disaffection with ebay is growing. Ebay’s only response has been to temporarily discount listing fees – again – the third such promotion in the past six weeks in a desperate move by ebay to arrest the steady decline in the number of listings.
----- Statement Ends ------
Media Enquiries : Mr Robert Vandermeer
Well, well, well.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Sunday, July 13, 2008
After looking around at the rest of the shows in Paris, I find I have not much to say. So little originality, as the peasants like to say these days, "meh."
The Valentino show was, like the Chanel show, pleasant. I gather there is a new designer in charge, Alessandra Facchinetti, and she has a great deal to learn. While this traditional red gown was certainly the sort of thing one slavers over:
WHAT is one to make of this? Is the model wearing the box from the atelier's new air conditioner? Is this what all that "carbon footprint" nonsense is about?
Or perhaps her dress was missing and she had to hastily pull on a garment bag from backstage.
One has a sudden urge to tip her over, the way young hooligans do with cows out in the far country. Meanwhile, at the Gaultier show, one had the sense that the front row snored through most of this one:
Mon dieu, can't the man design more creatively than this? Just looking through the photos left me rigid with boredom.
That's that for your faithful correspondent...the rest of the shows do not bear writing about, and I'd much rather glance through fashion magazines while listening to the ocean.
Until we meet again,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The actual movie title was Salome, Where She Danced, starring the divine Yvonne DeCarlo in the role that made her a star in the 1940s. I simply had to share a private moment with mon cher readers...this being 2008, of course the private moment was recorded for posterity. As some of you may remember, in my recent show, "Diary of A Mad Fashionista," I was battling with a rival seller for a vintage 1967 Christian Dior cheetah coat with otter collar and cuffs. This is a dance intepretation to the tune of "What A Feeling" from Flashdance.
For your viewing pleasure, is my very own equally divine self, sinuously writhing. Just go to this link:
Remember, you might need a towel afterwards. Particularly if you are male.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog *
* Who is not in the video because he refused to sign the waiver
Saturday, July 05, 2008
It may come as a great shock to mon cher readers that your faithful correspondent was not in Paris for the Fall 2008 couture shows.
But it was far too tempting to spend the July 4th weekend at my sumptuous (featured in Architectural Digest) oceanfront mansion in the Hamptons. There, Bucky can frolic under my watchful eye, while I sit under a thick baby blue silk dupioni canopy (have to keep the sun away from my milk-white skin). The ocean roars against the sand, and I am tempted to think Deep Thoughts…
But then my head starts to ache.
In any event, tonight’s schedule includes the Halsey House Cocktail Gala in Southampton (one must to give the locals something interesting to look at). One can only hope that Kelly Ripa will not be there. A few too many White Russians (ugh) and America’s Sweetheart turns into the most vicious drunk you ever beheld. She’s tiny and cannot hold her liquor. How does poor Regis deal with her hangovers?
On to Paris!
What can one say? John Galliano for Dior absolutely, as you Americans say, “knocked the ball out of the parking lot.” An amazing collection, that harkened back to the rich, glamorous days when Dior himself designed.
But first, let me shake a little detritus off my high-heeled sandal: Christian Lacroix.
The man is obviously mired in thoughts of world disaster…what else would explain those HIDEOUS fashions and that dead-eyed make-up? The model looks like she has some sort of godawful disease on her body, not clothes. (Cathy Horyn of The New York Times used the priceless phrase “wall-eyed blondes,” for which I shall always worship her.) One supposes the man is designing for after the Apocalypse. Après Lacroix, le déluge.
The Chanel show was very ho-hum for yours truly, yes, pipe organs, metal, c’est la vie. Although I hardly think this is a silhouette most women would embrace:
But the Dior show! Ah, the Dior show.
I wish I’d had the good sense to fly to Paris for that one. Galliano outdid himself—the man understands that a woman has curves:
This number is one I intend to order for myself, although I think I will keep the right side opaque:
There was simply too much to choose from, and so many of the classic Christian Dior shapes: the wasp waist, the full circle skirt, sweeping gowns, and tulle!
For a femme such as moi, it added up to complete sensory overload. Even from a distance. But a delicious one! Brava, diva, brava!
Oh, dear, some tourist from Montauk has wandered onto my private beach…in madras plaid shorts, no less. Must run, dahlings, and get my pellet gun.
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog