Monday, December 31, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DAHLINGS!

DAHLINGS -

Happy New Year! That's all I really wish to say to you. (I snuck out of my party to my office to write this.) May the New Year bring you health, prosperity, and happiness. I don't believe in making resolutions, because honestly, who wants the pressure?

Yes, I've had several bottles of ludicrously expensive champagne (that mellows a girl a bit). Be that as it may:

Nouvelle Année Heureuse!
Ciao,
Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Love Of A Dog On Christmas...

DAHLINGS-

As you all are aware, I lead a madly glamorous life, dashing from one soignee event to the next. However, I always come home (if not always alone) to my wonderful dog, Bucky, my 13 pound miniature pinscher. And every year, that is my true Christmas gift.

Except for the year I stupidly gave him away. (Look it up.)

At night he curls up in his handmade artisanal dog bed. But come morning, I find Bucky snuggled under the embroidered down coverlet next to me, black nose buried in my silk nightgown. And firmly wedged between me and any male companion that might be there. Needless to say, the men come and go, but Bucky stays. And sits. And rolls over.



This Christmas, I opened a mountain of gifts. But once the paper was thrown into the fireplace (my personal favorite part of Christmas morning and a perennial family tradition), the gifts stacked in place, the uglier gifts regifted to the maid, there was, in the middle of the living room floor, among the mink coats and the diamond necklaces...

Bucky. Wagging his tail and wearing his new green and red Christmas sweater (my apologies for not having a picture). Shredding what was left of the Christmas wrappings. A happier dog you could not imagine, although I had sustained minor injuries getting the sweater on him. My heart filled with love, and I exclaimed aloud:

"Merry Christmas to all--especially me--and to all a good night!"

And I gathered my wiggling little darling into my arms and gave him a Christmas kiss!

One hopes the bandages come off in time for New Year's. It's just a minor flesh wound.

Ciao,
Elisa and Bucky the Wonderdog

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Come See Moi on BROADWAY in January!

DAHLINGS –

SAVE THE DATE! As promised, you will be seeing moi, live and on stage, at the Broadway Comedy Club next month! I know how desperately so many of my readers want to see me in the creamy, lubricious flesh!
Here are a few of the pertinent details to whet your palate:

The Three Tomatoes
presents

Broadway Comedy Night
January 17, 2008
Eat, drink, and be merry for absolutely
no good reason at all.
**********************************
Portion of proceeds goes to ComedyCures®
Date : January 17, 2008

Time: 6 to 9 PM (followed by VIP after-party for those who purchase VIP Tickets.)

Place:
The Broadway Comedy Club
318 West 53rd Street, (between 8th & 9th Ave.) New York City

Food and libations:
• Sandwich bar catered by the world famous Carnegie Deli, featuring the best pastrami anywhere, and their signature cheese cake.
• Plus, unlimited wine, beer, and a special 3T martini (but of course.)

Entertainment: Media personality Valerie Smaldone, a six time Billboard Magazine Award winner, mid-day host of 106.7 Lite-FM and producer of our event, will also be our event host which will feature three fabulous comedians:

• Our comedy show emcee is Elisa DeCarlo, THE MAD FASHIONISTA, the second-most feared woman in fashion (after Anna Wintour, her personal idol). She is a plus-size New York City diva whose religion is couture and whose nightmare is Forever 21. Please address her as "Miss DeCarlo" or you will get hurt.
The lineup will also include two comics handpicked just for The Three Tomatoes, by The Broadway Comedy Club, whose visiting comics have appeared on Letterman, The Tonight Show, Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, Conan O'Brien, HBO, Showtime, Comedy Central, and BET.
**************

Frankly, dahlings, I'm not wild about being called a comedian, because Fashion is Serious Business. However, who am I to deprive the masses of the pleasure of being in my presence over mere terminology?


As an additional bonus, I will selling some of my finest vintage jewelry, including 14kt gold rings set with genuine pearls, designer silver brooches, and of course the finest in costume jewelry and vintage accessories. A portion of the proceeds will also go to ComedyCures, and Ms. Smaldone will make certain of that.


For more details, please click on this link, dahlings:


http://thethreetomatoes.com/comedyevent.html


See you there!


Ciao,


Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog


Friday, December 21, 2007

Project Runway: Could Someone Slap Elisa Jimenez?

Dahlings –

Deepest apologies, once again, for taking so long to get back to you, but I was whisked to fabulous PALM BEACH by a famous male celebrity for an early Christmas celebration. We stayed at the historic Breakers, but barely saw the sun, if you know what I mean. SUCH a divine change from frigid, dark Manhattan! But now I am back to the workaday world, and that means YOU.

Last week's episode, which I had Tivo'd, was by FAR the best episode of Project Runway so far this season. I know, that is not saying much. This season has been a yawn, except for Ricky’s crying and the strange close-ups of Donna Karan’s face on the previous episode. (I expect to see it on the site Awful Plastic Surgery. Her face looked like a strangely smooth potato.)

Here's an idea: having a drink every time Ricky cries would make a wonderful drinking game with your friends during Project Runway viewing parties.

I applaud the women for losing weight (although I am in favor of plus sizes). And it was certainly refreshing to see real women on the runway instead of those awful amateur models clumping awkwardly up and down.

While I was sorry to see Jack leave, my darling adorable cuddly CHRIS MARCH is back! One must confess, tears came to my eyes when they read the note he left in the workroom. Tears also came to my eyes when I saw his outfit…can’t he GET it about the costume problem? But they let him stay, that is the important part.

Elisa should be have been smacked into next week for that HIDEOUS outfit! You could not have more masterfully designed a dress made to look a heavy woman look stumpier, lumpier and wider than Tracy actually is! A big belt on a thick waist, an 80s style jacket with short sleeves, all the proportions disastrous! Bad enough Spitting Earth Goddess probably had saliva dripping all over that costume, but then to put BOOTS on her client's lovely slim legs, Tracy's best asset, for the finishing touch! One fantasizes that Elisa was “auf’d” and then a gang of heavy female bikers beat her up in the alley outside of Parsons.




Victorya (I cannot write that name without hearing the old Kinks song) designed a dress that was almost as boring as Steven’s. Working with green velvet on a handsome redhead, she might have come up with something a little less…sleep-inducing. I am still having fits of narcolepsy. I did notice what short shrift the less dramatic and well-made designs got, whipping by within seconds.

But Steven…what a catastrophic disappointment. When Tim Gunn questioned him in the fabric store about buying miles of BLACK stretch fabric, I knew Mr. Dimples's doom was sealed. Yes, the wedding dress was an atrocity, but one goes with the flow in that case! Mesh! Pearls! Lace!


Imagine what CHRIS would have done with it—or even little Hairthing! Actually, I would have loved to see what Hairthing would have done with it. How would he have made one of his exactly alike tailored little jackets with it? Boggles the imagination, doesn't it?

Not to begrudge Christian's win, I felt Kevin should have won for that super-sexy bustier.


Contrary to popular opinion, real women over the age of twenty look marvelous in strapless things, and Elyse, his client, worked it. She looked so divinely happy as she came down the runway! As did Rami’s client (who was on for about a nanosecond). Could someone tell me what on earth was going on with Heidi Klum's bangs? Did they keep tangling with her false eyelashes? And what was that white powder on her calf during the judging? Could she have spilled her cocaine prior to filming?

Besides the return of Chris, my favorite moment was Tim Gunn's confession that he'd made more bad decisions at 3 in the morning than he could list! Like Steven, I wanted names!

As for Jack, he seems to be quite all right, as this hilarious video that he posted to YouTube proves:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=evCOdcJl2PE

Who knew the man could dance? And what a body!

Now I've discovered that the show is on hiatus until January 2nd, the slackers.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Monday, December 10, 2007

"Project Runway" Commits CRIMES AGAINST FASHION!

DAHLINGS –

What can I say? My heart is broken. Project Runway has auf’d darling cuddly teddy bear Chris! CHRRRRISSS! Oh, dear, I am quite emotional. He was the only designer I could imagine spending any “face time” with, as they say. So sweet and so creative. Now we’re stuck with Hairthing, Spitting Earth Goddess and Sweet Trailer Trash. Ugh.

Yes, I know his dress was a bit dated, but I love drama in fashion.



Perhaps his teammates should have talked him out of the "Joan Crawford" shoulderpads. Oh, dear. The challenge was "outdated trends." As a vintage seller, I have to constantly watch fashion of the past being disparaged on clothing reality shows, but I have to admit many of the trends were thankfully out of date. But...

There has been so little imagination this season that I have had to switch from chamomile tea to a double espresso by Runway time, lest I have a fit of narcolepsy. Bucky doesn’t care, he’s curled in my lap while I sit in front of my plasma television.

And so many of the outfits were CRIMES against fashion! Poodle skirt? That is NOT a poodle skirt! Anyone with the faintest knowledge of fashion knows a poodle skirt is a simple circle skirt…and it usually has a POODLE on it! Couldn’t they have thought of some clever twist on that? What would Karl Lagerfeld have done? Instead, we were given that ridiculous square-dancing outfit, straight out of the glory days of Hee-Haw.



One waited for a couple of rubes to pop out from a haystack and crack a dirty joke in an Appalachian accent. At least Team Hairthing’s dress had some flair and was decently constructed. (It kills me to admit it.)



The drab colors! The lack of imagination! Even Heidi the Hun failed to get much of a rise out of me during this episode. And Victorya...if she was working for me, you know she would have been slapped into the middle of next month. NO ONE talks to me that way. But what do you expect of Ricky? The man has a stick of chewing gum where his backbone should be.

I can only hope this week’s episode is more interesting. Until then, I shall be in deep mourning for the loss of Chris. My dainty wisp of chiffon is trimmed with black marabou in his honor. Chris, we hardly knew ye…

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Plus Size Party Dresses and the ASPCA, Dahlings!

DAHLINGS -

I've realized I have sorely neglected those of my larger sisters in bosomhood by not listing much above a size 24. To make up for it, I am MADLY listing beautiful things in sizes 8X, 9X, and 10X! For instance, an assortment of beautiful satin robes in sizes 8X/9X (that is what the size label reads) for the truly sensuous female, in gold, royal blue and lipstick red satin:



Except for this one robe, all are New In The Package and would make wonderful gifts (hint, hint).

And listed, this sultry red satin slip dress, size 8X:



And soon to come, tops, evening jackets, and more! And don't forget, jewelry is one size fits all!

CHARITY ALERT: At (ugh) Ebay, I have signed up to donate part of the proceeds for some of my marvelous merchandise to the American Society For The Prevention of Cruelty To Animals. Bucky suggested it, of course. Hard to resist those big pleading brown eyes!

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Christmas At The Bodacious House of Style!

DAHLINGS -

It's that time of year again...fighting the holiday crowds, only to find out that the "hot" gadget you intended to purchase for your child/spouse/mistress/pet is sold out and on backorder until February. Why waste your time with gifts anyone can give (assuming they can find them)? And why on EARTH waste your "face time" in clothes that anyone else could be wearing? Hasn't that happened to Laura Bush on several occasions?

That is why the most sensible solution, insensé enfants, is to shop with moi. At both of my locations you will find the most unusual things, accent on the unusual.

For instance, shortly to be listed, these size 11 woman's black pleather platform heel boots, size 11:
sold!

(Don't ask. They're from a part of my past I prefer not to talk about.) And these simply charming porcelain floral earrings and brooch set by Royal Doulton:



And for the trendy woman, here is one of several silver and gold metallic purses I have at the House of Style:



Turning to fashion, you will be the belle of the ball (or at least, the queen of the barbeque) in this slinky wool number trimmed with red Ultrasuede, size XXL:


For the more classically minded, there is this elegant creation by Parnes-Feinstein, also size XXL:



Turning to Bodaciously Yours Vintage, take a look at this wonderfully Mod wool suit made in London by Alexon:

SOLD!

Not to mention this rich blue wool boucle' double-breasted 60s vintage coat with novelty buttons:

SOLD!

As you can see, there is an absolute UNIVERSE of ideas! And much more to come!

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Catching Up With Project Runway, and Christmas!

DAHLINGS -

I can barely catch my breath, and my damned assistant keeps collapsing on me--

DRINK THAT COFFEE! IT'S HAWAIIAN KONA, AND THE MAID PUT SOME DEXEDRINE IN IT! THAT OUGHT TO PERK YOU UP!

Pardonnez moi for that outburst. Holiday pressure and all that. I have been doing my best to treat the help better, but it is such a strain on my delicate nervous system.

Last week's episode was absolutely priceless, wasn't it? One wonders what sadist on the staff of “PR” thought of last week’s challenge, knowing beforehand that none of the designers, save Kevin (I AM STRAIGHT, DAMMIT) Christiana would be up to it. Frankly, I do not think that Heidi the Hun is smart enough to have thought it up...your faithful correspondent's guess is that someone on the writing staff is out for blood.

I can picture it now: the writers, disheveled messes in cheap Old Navy rags, gloating and saying things like, "Picture it! Those fancy-pants bastards losing their shit all over the place! Fuck 'em! I would have gone to a real writing program at Harvard if my dad had any money!"

Carmen's outfit was truly, as the saying goes, "a hot mess."



After her phony crying the week before, I was glad to see her go. Honestly, if a man tells you his least favorite feature is his "butt", do you then design an outfit that highlights it? And that bizarre pale blue scarf/shirt substitute...words fail one. At least Carmen left with her chin held high and her dignity intact (in her own estimation, if not anyone else's).

Menswear is not really my area of expertise, but one could tell most of the outfits were disastrous, some more than others. Sweet P...well, it's a tad difficult for me to get past her tattoos and tank tops, I keep thinking about hot days in Florida and trailers...



But she tried. And Tiki Barber is hardly the most inspiring creature on the planet. (Can someone tell me, is he named after a tropical bar?) Now, if they'd had to design for Prince, that would have been interesting. The winning design was so dull, but Jack is pretty to look at, much more so than most of the females. And I am so glad Chris is still in the competition, he is such a lovely teddy bear.

The most bizarre moment for me was when Heidi Klum laughed at Barber's comment about his rear end. I had no idea that she could laugh--it was so disconcertingly, um, human of her. The programmers must have put a different chip in her prior to the episode.

My next post will be about all of the wonderful Christmas baubles in my stores, and a VERY SPECIAl appearance by yours truly! Until then, mes amis!

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog