(Note - this is being transcribed by me, Miss DeCarlo's personal assistant...she threw her Blackberry into the office early this afternoon when she got in, and went straight to bed. If I knock on the door I could get severely hurt. I need a new job...)
Next stop, the Entertainment Weekly magazine party at Elaine's! Now THIS is a soiree! I fit right in. My favorite film critic, Lisa Schwarzbaum, is sitting in the last remnant of lap Harvey Weinstein still has. Can you say 'conflict of interest'?"
Half the casts of all of the various permutations of "Law and Order" are here...of course, I forgot that they film in our dear city. And there is Liev Schrieber, whose Hamlet I am still trying to forget...wasn't he supposed to be at the New York magazine party?
Dear God, I look up at the television monitor to see Randy Newman and James Taylor. Sweet Geezer James always sounds exactly the same, whether he's singing 'Fire and Rain' or Randy's latest piece of Oscar dreck...time for another cocktail, pronto.
There's Chris Noth...be still, my heart (and other parts of my anatomy). He's sitting with one of the hundreds of cast members of "Law and Order."
But our eyes lock, and we move across the crowded room toward each other. It is almost as good as meeting George Clooney. A girl can't have everything, but this is pretty darn close. We watch the monitor as Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway present Best Costume Design. I think it's rather silly to have extras in the clothes rather than mannequins, and, looking at the corgi onstage, reflect on just how badly Bucky would behave under the circumstances. (Peeing on the Queen would be so low class.)
"Marie Antoinette"?? Is the Academy mad? They will always go for the foo-foo and ruffles over the more sophisticated and realistic designs. My personal choice was 'Dreamgirls,' it brought back so many childhood memories. Not that anyone I knew dressed like that, but I did see them from the limousine window.
I am sorry, but I like Anne Hathaway's dress. I realize that I am in a distinct minority.
Chris Noth smells wonderful...it's quite distracting... (leave that part out, you idiot!)
Every time Ellen Degeneres comes on, she's got one another ugly outfit (she needs Melissa Etheridge's stylist, if not Melissa's make-up person, who made her look like a plastic punk rocker), and somehow seems to leave a hole in the screen. Yes, she's being all shucks-folks-I'm-just-happy-to-be-here. But that is how Rosie O'Donnell used to behave at the Tony Awards, and look how that turned out!
Thank goodness for Jerry Seinfeld...he's funnier in eight minutes than poor Ellen has been all evening. Part of it is that he could not care less. He doesn't need the money or the exposure--wait, I think we have our perfect next Oscar host! Just please, please don't bring back Whoopi Goldberg, or I might have to get a restraining order against the Academy.
Oh, it's time for the "Dreamgirls" song montage! And doesn't Jennifer Hudson look PERFECTLY MAGNIFICENT in that sparkling red dress? You go, girlfriend, as the young people say! Beyonce' has abandoned that mint green monstrosity for some sort of flowing thing, but unfortunately she still has the stage presence of an apple. She can howl like she was on "American Idol" as much as she wants to, but it doesn't make her any less of a Mocha Diva Barbie. Ah, and there's that third girl they made look so goofy in the movie...she obviously laid down the law to the costumer, because she is working some serious bling in that dress. But it's Jennifer all the way. She and Queen Latifah...women with actual BREASTS on the Oscars...oh, and of course Helen Mirren.
Excuse me...Chris wants to have a word in my shell-pink ear...