Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sex With The Famous (Plus Today's Fashion Tip!)

DAHLINGS -

The discussion on the aforementioned board soon turned into a mass of posts retelling, in sometimes lurid detail, the many musicians, rock stars, and strange smelly people the other vintage sellers had encountered, and I use the word loosely. Then, another seller wrote THIS:

Give it up, Elisa...we all know your "personal assistant" is really Bucky.

I responded thusly:

DAHLINGS, I am back!

After an exceedingly relaxing bathe, I changed into a silk ensemble that reeked of impeccable chic and dry cleaning fluid, that stopped traffic as I strolled languidly through the barrio. Ah, I treasure the calls of "Mommy! You got it goin' on!" I merely blush and turn away. They wish.

And yes, my underpants were steamed smooth and then put in the icebox, as is my custom during the summer months.As to the jealous lowlife who insinuated that Bucky the Replaced Wonderdog is my personal assistant, I say only, HA! And HA! again! The little nuisance has been sent packing and in his place I have a...wait a minute, I have to go in the kitchen and look...it's behind a fenced-in area by the stove...can't have the little beast pooping on the Aubusson...it's Japanese and very chic, that's the important thing...

OH! ITS DISGUSTING, SMELLY POOP HAS NOT BEEN CLEANED UP AND IT'S BEEN AT LEAST TWO MINUTES! GET IN HERE, YOU CLOWN, AND IF YOU'RE NOT FAST, I'LL MAKE YOU PICK IT UP WITH YOUR TEETH!

Excuse me. Ahem. My assistant (NOT Bucky) is a lower class ne'erdowell. Let me explain the reason for my re-appearance:You are all bragging about the famous people you have slept with, sold to, glimpsed on the street, or found yourself under after a night spent snorting cocaine and drinking cheap bourbon.

Well, dahlings, I have slept with not ONLY the most important and famous men in this country, but ALSO the women! I had to replace DH as well, because he kept complaining about the limousines coming and going (as was I...nothing stokes a woman's libido like fame). Of course, I'm not going to be so declasse' as to name names. But every time you pick up an issue of People or Business Week, think of me.

The men were for the pleasure. The women so they would be so stunned by my delicate yet ferocious lingerie, they would buy it off my sleek, tanned back. Ah, the memories...and the incriminating videos shot by my Hide-a-cam behind the vintage 50s swinging cat-tail clock.

The only reason Bucky is still on my signature and my 'About Me' page on Ebay under my selling ID, Hoardmeister, is that my personal assistant, lazy swine, just passed out from fatigue before she could update them. Excuse me, I have to go kick her awake.

Ciao, dahlings, it's been ever so...

Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog

Pre-Labor Day Fashion Tip: When Ernesto is coming, it is not "romantic" to walk along the beach in a filmy, gauzy, mid-calf skirt. You look ridiculous because it is being blown up backwards and we can all see your K-mart lingerie. Or at least I can, from here.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

How I Responded To This Upstart!

This was my response to that appalling document previously published:

DAHHHHLINGS -

I just woke up, slipped on a wisp of chiffon trimmed with finest ermine (it's hotter than heck but one must keep up appearances) and walked delicately to my computer, exuding NYC style and class with every step. Even Bucky the Wonderdog was impressed. I'm trading him in for one of those little Japanese dogs that are so popular--I can't remember the name, but my personal assistant will go to the hideously overpriced Upper East Side pet store and pick me out a puppy. She'll have to train him, feed him, and walk him, but I'm too glamorous a New Yorker to bother with such petty details.

Overnight, I had a realization...I live in New York City, and I'm very tall. Overlooking the fact that I am not thin, BUT that I truly have astounding taste and the...how do you Americans say it? the je ne sais quois that only the truly well connected fashionista can have (or maybe it's just that I haven't showered yet), I have decided to throw my lot in with those In The Know. It's just all too common here on the *** Board for a high-strung person such as myself who needs an assistant to deal with...well, everything. Right now I have her steaming my clean underpants for after my milk bath. I hate wrinkled underpants. I'm too busy being fabulous, Dahlings, lying on my chaise lounge eating chocolates and reading French Vogue. I can't read the text, but the pictures are real pretty.

Excuse me one eensy second--I HEAR YOU CURSING IN THERE, YOU INSOLENT PEASANT! KEEPING STEAMING UNTIL THOSE PANTIES ARE AS SMOOTH AS MY BOTTOM!

WHAT??

WHAT???

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Commoner.

Au revoir for now...
Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog

PS. Any typos in the above are the fault of my personal assistant.
Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog (but not for long)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

How To Sell Clothes To Movie Stars. Indeed.

I realized that I had to, as the young people say, "put myself out there" after a vintage seller, an upstart with a seriously outdated website, felt compelled to address we who sell modes of days gone by on a public discussion board. The topic: How To Sell Vintage Clothing To Movie Stars. Although I have removed the name of the board, I have left all of the spelling, punctuation and syntactical errors intact for your reading pleasure.

Hey guys , since so many of you have expressed skepticism on this subject I thought I'd list some fun and easy tips so that you to can sell clothes to movie stars

1}Go to NYC .Since NYC is very expensive it's best if you can arrange to be from there.If you can't arrange to be from there at least have very close friends and relatives that live there so that you will have a free place to stay.If you can't manage any of this you will probably have to stay in JOHO {often refered to as New Jersey}.This will still be expensive however and the commute will be bloody awful

2}Get invited to display your stuff at one of NYC's prestigous antique shows .This can be tricky as sometimes these shows have waiting lists and sometimes they are vetted but it would help if you became a rock star. You don't have to be a super succesful famous rock star you can be a cult fave or a critically adored darling ,someone who say has to supplment their meager rock star income by selling vintage,but everyone loves rock stars and another advantage to this is that generally you will be in contact with rock stars who are much more famous than you and they will give you there old stage clothes to sell{we'll save how to sell rock star clothes for another post }, .This will likely cause you to get press in national magazines which is good for business and helps with getting invited to shows.

3}If you can't pull off the rock star thing have your sister marry one of the people who runs the Winter Antiques Show.THe cheapest booth at this show is $25,000 and it's amazing how many doors the words winter antiques show will open.An upside to this approach is that you will quite likely get invited to the young collectors ball {which usually costs $150 but don't worry your sister will get you in for free}.Put on your most fabulous vintage dress and hang about sipping champagne .When people ask where you got your dress well then tell them!

4}Maximize the possiblities .Make appointments with high end vintage retailers in NYC who regulary sell to movie stars .Sadly if you choose this method you can only expect to get about $800-$1500 per dress and you won't actually get to meet any movie stars but it's still a good fall back option

5}Be tall very thin and striking.You don't have to be beautiful per se but you do need to have a killer sense of style so that the movie stars can pick you out of a crowd at a show ,Don't be fat Movie stars and NYC in general disapprove of fat people.

6}Go to the couture auction houses with stuff that maybe is way cool but not so movie star so that you will cover more bases on your trip .Bring your 30s chanel Boue Souers etc Even if your stuff does'nt sell you will have really pretty pics of your stuff in auction catlogues to show your mom who has always been skeptical of you rock star-ness

7}Party and shmooze a lot{ this is self explanatary}


8}Come home exhausted ,Kick back on the couch with a copy of Vogue .Congratulate yourself on a successful trip and laugh you *ss off at anyone who thought well connected meant the (**** )boards

Dahlings, I shall post my follow-up later today. But I simply must have my maid fetch me another cup of coffee and have my personal assistant (about which more later) take Bucky out for a walk. I'm exhausted.

Au reviour,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Crimes Against Fashion!

Dahlings, I forced myself to watch much of the Emmy Awards, but I needed stiff cocktails to do so. My GOD, the dresses....have these women learned nothing? Perhaps there's something in the water in Hollywood. Or perhaps it's the drugs. Or their minds are deranged by hunger. Those bony hips, stick-thin arms, and the clavicles...bon dieu, the clavicles!

Look it up.

As a tall, bosomy, impeccably clad maven of New York fashion, I offer a word of advice to these pathetic (in every sense) figures:

EAT SOMETHING! And in the name of all that is Dior, get thee to a decent couturier, preferably one on the East Coast.

Au reviour,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Sunday, August 27, 2006

To Prove My Point, Dahlings...

Believe it or not, there are times when words fail me. But this...this...crime of fashion speaks louder than words. Unspeakable.



What can I say? Off to bed with a sick headache...must...look...at pictures...of...Dior...must banish...hideous...image...must...

Welcome, Dahlings! Welcome! Wipe Your Feet.

Dahlings, I am SO happy to be here! On Blurgspot or Bletchspot or whatever this thing is called. I feel truly moderne, in the know, hip! Not that I ever was not, it's just that technology is a bit much to absorb for a busy successful woman such as myself.

I have long been a seller of plus size contemporary and vintage fashion on Ebay (ugh). But that is only one small part of my FABULOUS life as a New York City fashionista. I was compelled to write about myself in some detail after a pipsqueak on the Ebay Vintage Discussion Board saw fit to tell us how to sell to "movie stars." Really. Movie stars. Have you looked at a movie star of late? Pathetic little twigs bundled in acetate taffeta. That's all from me for right at the moment, but you can learn more about me at:

http://myspace.com/elisadecarlo

And until next time, dahlings, SHOP, SHOP, SHOP!

Preferably at my store.

Ciao for now,

Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog