Friday, November 24, 2006

Michael Richards, David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld...oh, dear


I hope that all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, replete with turkey and all of the trimmings. (For you vegans out there, Tofurky and all the trimmings, whatever that may mean in your strange little world.) I certainly did, at a grand dinner hosted by--sorry, I am not allowed to say--I will only mention that I had to sign a confidentiality agreement before they would let me out of the lobby.

I am spending today in splendid idleness. And no garments that constrict the stomach in any way. (One suspects it was that last piece of pumpkin pie.)

Of course, it is obligatory to give thanks at this time of year. Not only am I grateful for my beautiful plus-sized figure and creamy skin, my thick blonde hair and well-turned ankles; I am deeply grateful for Bucky, my companion in good times and bad. The little darling would spend the entire day in my lap if he could, chewing freeze-dried bull penises (they call them bully sticks but really). Once I was carrying home a particularly large (14 inch) bully stick in the rain, and damned if the thing didn’t REHYDRATE! Quite a shock! I had my maid put it in the oven to dry out.

Come to think of it, I never did see it again…I do hope she gave it back to my dog.

This morning, I am profoundly grateful that I don’t have to spend time with:
Michael Richards
Rosie O’Donnell
(Just because she's fat, that doesn't make her interesting)
TomKat , as they are so cloyingly named

And so many other celebrities who are inflicted upon one in the course of going about one’s day. Note that I did not include Kelly Ripa. I believe the poor dear had some cause to be upset, when that strange person who looks remarkably like K.D. Lang put his/her/its hand over her mouth. (He was an American Idol, whatever that means.)

It is almost as though there is a continuum of nausea that these various annoyances induce, with Michael Richards at the absolute top of the heap, and at the bottom...let’s say….hmmm, there are so MANY…oh,say, Britney Spears, perhaps. The woman just WILL NOT go away.

Yes, in between my frantic preparations for the holidays, I did see Michael Richards’s sickening outburst, and I also saw his apology on David Letterman. First, let me say that Mr. Letterman asked very sensitive questions. Imagine if it had been Nancy Grace! “YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE! ISN’T THAT IT? YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE! SPILL IT!” Michael Richards would have been reduced to a babbling wreck…

On the other hand, even under the expert handling of Mr. Letterman, he was still a babbling wreck. And Jerry Seinfeld had to keep telling the audience, "It's not funny." Well, it was--if you enjoy watching Gestalt therapy combined with logorreah.

The pity of it all is, that even though Mr. Richards is doubtless wealthy beyond all dreams of avarice, his career was already over before this happened. For myself, his most memorable moment other than "Seinfeld" was pulling an enormous booger out of his nose in Weird Al Yankovich's low-budget flop "UHF". (In that movie, one must confess, the "Wheel of Fish" gag was tres amusant.)

One mused as one watched the desperate ex-comedian flounder on-camera: Doesn’t the man have a publicist? Doesn’t he know enough about show business to read a prepared statement?

Meanwhile, the young men who were the target of the attacks have hired opens-her-legs-to-the-stars attorney Gloria Allred, who was probably feeling the draft of not being in the headlines recently. My only question is a fairly mild one. Will they let us see what prompted Mr. Richards to go berserk? Or is his outburst, as they say, “the money shot”? If you know, don’t hesitate to write in. I'm sure we'll be hearing from the Reverend Al Sharpton at any minute.

Dahlings, I will write more later, but the dictation machine’s batteries are running low, and I have to go berate my assistant. I’m not sure about what, but talking about Mr. Richards has put me in a foul mood, and there is certainly something she is doing wrong.

That reminds me...the Ebay Vintage clothing community is having a Vintage Blow Out Sale from November 22-29, all items fixed price at $19.99 or less. Finish your Christmas shopping with vintage! (And please, do make me an offer on that HIDEOUS Eduardo robe!) I have many lovely goodies up for delectation, with more to come!

Vintage 70s aqua diva dress, XL B42

Vintage 80s Ultra-New Wave Asymmetrical Close Mans' Denim Jacket, XXL CH50

Vintage 80s Magadesian black leather low-heeled pumps, size 11.5W

Do stop by! The link is on your right.

Elisa and Bucky the Wonderdog

1 comment:

Captain Great said...

I think Kramer's poor publicist must have quit. There's only so much you can fix when your client is filmed shouting "he's a nigger!" ad nauseum regardless of the context it's in! It's inspired me to go back and watch Crash though. Actually, no it hasn't... that movie was rubbish.

"opens-her-legs-to-the-stars attorney Gloria Allred" - Hee hee. She is quite the famewhore.