Thursday, September 07, 2006

How To Sell Clothes To A Movie Star cont.

DAHLINGS, I have returned to wonderful New York City, my helpful doormen, and an utter lack of sand. My relief is boundless.

Back to "How To Sell Clothes To A Movie Star."

We were discussing the rich and famous. Speaking of which, I will only say that I caused several of Dick Cheney's heart attacks in earlier days. Darn, the Secret Service won't let him near me now, that would put a swift end to the war.

Also, during a séance, I had a profound conversation with the ghost of Lana Turner. She isn't as dumb as she looks, especially now that she's dead.

Well, I re-read the OP's post and thought I would share some tips of my own for you pitifully deprived masses out there. I have had my personal assistant correct the typos and misspellings to the best of her ability.

Hey guys,* Since so many of you have expressed skepticism on this subject, I thought I'd list some fun and easy tips so that you to can sell clothes to movie stars.
* Note faux folksy tone, and the OP's addressing of the reader as "guys" makes one suspect she is from a very tough neighborhood.

1}Go to NYC. Since NYC is very expensive it's best if you can arrange to be from there. If you can't arrange to be from there at least have very close friends and relatives that live there so that you will have a free place to stay. Please don't. We have too many fabulous people, and not enough room. JOHO {often referred to as New Jersey} All I can say is...New Jersey. Pitiful. No amount of acronyms makes it smell or look any better. The best thing to do is to already live here, and if you can't, stay home.

My idiotic personal assistant and I are sitting in my beautiful Louis Quinze office, with its view of Central Park West and the greenery beyond. There's a lot of barking coming from the kitchen. That Japanese thing is certainly noisier than Bucky!

2}Get invited to display your stuff at one of NYC's prestigious antique shows. This can be tricky as sometimes these shows have waiting lists and sometimes they are vetted, but it would help if you became a rock star. You don't have to be a super successful famous rock star you can be a cult fave or a critically adored darling, someone who say has to supplement their meager rock star income by selling vintage, but everyone loves rock stars A total misconception. Rock stars tend to weave around like Ozzy Osbourne, rip precious Erte costumes, and then claim they want a discount because it's "not good enough.” I suspect the OP to be a rock star who never got farther than the preliminary auditions for "American Idol."

3}If you can't pull off the rock star thing have your sister marry one of the people who runs the Winter Antiques Show. The cheapest booth at this show is $25,000 and it's amazing how many doors the words "winter antiques show" will open. An upside to this approach is that you will quite likely get invited to the young collectors ball {which usually costs $150 but don't worry your sister will get you in for free}. Put on your most fabulous vintage dress (GOWN, you peasant) and hang about sipping champagne. When people ask where you got your dress well then tell them!

All I can say is, arriviste (look it up). Probably slugged down as much Krug, Clos du Mesnil 1995 as she/he could get her hands on and followed it up with Jagermeister shots. Personally, I find it more elegant to hold a martini glass...displays my perfectly manicured hands so beautifully, don't you know.

4}Maximize the possibilities. Make appointments with high-end vintage retailers in NYC who regularly sell to movie stars. Sadly, if you choose this method you can only expect to get about $800-$1500 per dress and you won't actually get to meet any movie stars but it's still a good fall back option. One expects by retailers she is referring to Mays Stores and Value Valley. I was going to say Dollar Tree, but that would be catty, and I don't stoop to such things.

KEEP TYPING, YOU FAILED FASHIONISTA! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW YOU GOT THAT PRADA COPY AT DAFFY'S? Excuse me.

5}Be tall, very thin and striking. You don't have to be beautiful per se but you do need to have a killer sense of style so that the movie stars can pick you out of a crowd at a show.

The bon ton in NYC (at least the parts I frequent) are all striking and have a killer sense of style, including moi, even if I am not thin. I more than make up for it with my abundance of décolletage. I assume the vintage seller advising us has been picked out because she is short and wearing a shiny 50s day dress and a very large flowered brooch, ala Aunt Clara on "Bewitched."

Don't be fat Movie stars and NYC in general disapprove of fat people.

I believe I have addressed this topic before. No further comment is necessary. I would not have reached the pinnacle of fabulosity if my avoirdupois had been a detriment. Nor would certain NY politicians (and one very famous NYC movie actor/mogul--no names, just think of a taxi and a huge mole on one cheek, and I don't mean John-Boy) crossed my threshold eagerly awaiting my favors.

6}Go to the couture auction houses with stuff that maybe is way cool but not so movie star so that you will cover more bases on your trip. Bring your 30s chanel Boue Souers etc Even if your stuff doesn’t sell you will have really pretty pics of your stuff in auction catalogues to show your mom who has always been skeptical of your rock star-ness

We come here to the crux of this post, in the psychological sense. This desperate seller is trying to impress her disapproving mother, and is reduced to pasting photographs of her broken mannequin into already-published catalogues. Unfortunately, Mom isn't fooled because auction catalogues aren't filled with crumpled pages marred with Elmer's Glue. I mean, spelling Chanel chanel. Really. Perhaps she meant cheval.

7}Party and shmooze a lot{ this is self explanatary}

This is self-explanatory. Things seem ever so much more glamorous when you're extremely drunk. At least that's what poor Lana Turner's ghost told me.

8}Come home exhausted, kick back on the couch with a copy of Vogue. Congratulate yourself on a successful trip and laugh you *ss off at anyone who thought well connected meant the ** boards

I would have serious doubts about anyone who writes "laugh you *ss off". I think perhaps my personal assistant might have written it. Well, did you?? DID YOU? YOU PATHETIC SCUM!

Pardon me, I have to make a phone call to the employment agency.

While I do that, please do take a look at my lovely Ebay store, Elisa's Bounteous House of Style. I have just finished the Vintage Blow Out Sale and am now busily restocking with wonderful goodies for all, male and female.

Kisses,
Elisa The Ever-Modish

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